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Friday, January 21, 2011

It's your life to live or lose

1) soometimes i feel like i was forced to mature mentally faster than other kids my age (im 14). i grew up with a very alcoholic mother, hid drugs for my brother and sister when i was 7, and when my uncle died the day before my birthday in '09, i was forced to watch. not as an act of cruelty, but to show i was here for him at his hardest times, and his death bed.
2) i used to be so confident with myself. i could walk in a room full of people i never met before, and make friends with almost all of them in an hour. but lately, i cant even stand the sight of myself. i hate the way i look, and i dont even talk to anybody anymore. and im too afraid to express my greatest passions (music, art, and reading). i dont wanna grow up to work in the same steel pit my forefathers worked in the past... 6? generations.
3)i fell in love already, (silly, i know, but i was with this girl for a long time) but messed it up in october. i was told by a jealous ex that she didnt like me anymore, freaked out, and dumped her. it was the complete opposite. now i can only focus on the negatives like, what could have been, and how much longer we couldve lasted. (we were already almost 3 years.) i cry every night thinking about her, and how much i muffed up.
4)i cant satisfy anyone no matter how hard i try. i was a funny, intelligent, goodlooking kid before june of 2010, but then things went in the opposite direction. im so lathargic now, and people find my presence disturbing, cause i hardly talk anymore.
5)i am always depressed now. literally, before the 15th, i was depressed all the time for 2 weeks sttraight, after my gf dumped me. i had one good mood, which lasted for 3 hours, due to my ex wrecking it. im so worried ill grow up to be someone no one knows or cares about. i would do anything i could for anyone, but the world doesnt give two shits about me, or you, or whoever else is reading this. its filled with greedy people now. money is the root of all evil, and  i cant stand it. its despicable how people will turn on each other so quick for $3300. i lost my point; i want to die with people mourning, and have a name for myself. If i died tomorrow, no one would give a shit. no one would cry, and hardly anybody would care. im 14, and already considering suicide. i might actually do it. but i dont wanna go out in pain from bleeding, or from an OD. my life is pointless.i see no light at th e end of this very bleak, dark tunnel. i hate my life. and i dontt hink any good can come out of it. /:

Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: straight

[I went through a long period of severe depression and suicidal thoughts when I was in my early teens too. I had a lot of issues with my family, no friends, and got made fun of all the time. Trying to talk to my parents about it only made matters worse and I often thought that I would be better off dead -- but eventually I came out of it and things got better. Life is full of ups and downs -- sometimes you'll be happier than you can believe and other times it will seem like nothing is worth the pain, boredom, loneliness -- but it is. There is so much joy ahead of you, and ending your life now would cheat both you and all the people whose lives you will touch in the future. Beyond that, it may not seem like anyone cares, but they do - more people than you would ever believe would never forget you and would never stop feeling the loss if you died.

Another thing you say here that I wanted to address is that yes, the world is full of greedy people. Literally everyone, including you, is selfish and self-centered and none of us can really help it. Yes, there are some that think more about their impact on others and you might be one of them. Yes, there are some that sacrifice themselves more than others -- but those things don't lead to happiness and none of us can ever get through life without ever taking someone else for granted or taking advantage or any number of other "selfish" things that people do. It's not selfishness -- it's just being human. We can all only truly see the world from our own perspective and guessing at how we might impact others is completely futile. Thinking of others first can save a few emotional casualties here and there, but there will always be someone else watching and waiting for us to do or say something that we would never suspect. That's just the world. Watch out for yourself, be mindful of your impact on others, and don't let all the "greedy" people in this world be more important than your own needs and happiness. It's a beautiful life if you let it be.

K]




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2 comments:

  1. hi, this is the person who posted this.

    something i'd like to add on, but didnt get the chance to til now.

    my ex, she keeps saying "oh i wish we worked out." in various occasions. like, we can be talking about us, and what went wrong, shell say that, and i'll think its in a 'i want you back' kind of way.
    but we can be talking about music, i'll say a song reminds me of her, and shell say that. and it gets me confused. so. much. and honestly, i dont think id touch any lives in the future. i have NO talent thats useful. im stupid as hell. broke as fuck. pessimistic, and easily angereed. and i always help people out. i cant stand to put myself first. i mean, im not saying id go out and die for anyone who asks, but i do what i can. unless my ex asked me to.. O-o

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  2. I would cry. I have no clue who you are, but I would cry my eyes it if I heard about your death.

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