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Saturday, June 4, 2011

Beautiful mess

1) I don't remember the majority of my childhood, like 90% of it is just blank, and what I do remember mostly revolves around being severely beaten by a parent, and being raped by a neighbor when I was a young kid. He layed me over the tire of an atv and seriously hurt me. When I went home afterwards I got beaten for ruining my white t-shirt that had tire marks on it. Later, I ended up being abused by several other guys as well. As a result I acted out sexually towards others younger than me, and it makes me sick to think that I fucked them up as bad or worse than I ended up.

2) I had my first girlfriend at age 15, but was so worried about being a "gentleman" that I never fucked her even though she wanted me too, now 20 years later I can't stop being attracted to girls around that age. I never have and never would act on it, but no matter how much therapy I went to, I still wrestle with it because it would ruin me professionally and personally if anyone I know ever found out how much I would love to be with one.

3) My family has a history of mental illness. I was institutionalized for a few months as a teenager after an almost successful suicide attempt. Again, 20 years later I am now a well respected professional, and nobody would ever know how many skeletons are in my closet.

3) I love my wife deeply and don't want a divorce, however I'm obsessed with sex and can't get enough at home. My time is constantly interrupted by scheming and thinking about how I can manage to have a safe sexual encounter without risking my health, safety or freedom. I've gotten countless happy ending massages, etc. Most of the time however I usually end up masturbating to relieve the stress, and regretting the wasted time from sexual scheming afterwards.

4) If I was ever diagnosed with a terminal illness, I have seriously considered becoming a vigilante for the sake of my city. I am a very average normal looking guy, that could play the role of an unassuming victim. I fantasize about using the knowledge and skills I have obtained as an adult to absolutely declare war on the piece of shit thugs in this city. Let them think I am a victim in their midst right up until I put a bullet in their heads and burn their homes to the ground.

5) I an known amongst friends as the funny guy, the clown, and the confident & outgoing and loving friend. On the inside however, I am insecure, terrified that people will find out I'm such a mess, and jealous of anyone who has the women, money, status or leisure that I desire.
 
Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: straight


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