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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Words fail


5. I hate myself, my mom is my hero & the strongest person Ive ever met. I wish like hell I had half her strength and selflessness.

4. I look at my sons and wish they understood how sick I am. Or that they were old enough to see that despite how much funner he is, their dad did me VERY wrong. And hasn't really made any true attempt to make it up or make it better. Just expecting Ill forget everything, and keep letting him get away with it.

3. He told me Im too scared to follow through when i said I wanted to die. Truth is, my love for my mom & sons is the only reason Im here now that someone has stolen my husband away . He & his 19yr old girlfriend agreed my boys are better off without me, so why would i bother?

2. I love far too much. Existing like this hurts so much and I cry every time Im alone.I invest too much of me in others to an almost inhuman extent, break my back trying to be there for everyone around me. But now that I have cancer and is progressing so quickly. I look around and all the people I thought would always be there to have abandoned me or don't know how to treat me now... my mom is the only one who seems to really care if i let this beat me...

1. IM in far too much pain to continue like this. I throw up blood numerous times a day I poo blood frequently. There is blood every time I urinate now. I'm being ripped apart from the inside out but i put on a brave face for the people around me. That I can protect him. But when I look into their eyes... Especially my husbands I wonder why no one cares about protecting me? why no one loves me enough to fall apart like i would if it were them... The worst part of cancer isn't knowing I'm going to die and it's not how much pain I have to live with or watching myself waste away... The worst part about cancer is that it has been such an eye-opener it has shown me how little I am worth to all the people in this world that I love and would die for.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight


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1 comment:

  1. you are much more brave than me. I think you are wonderful!

    ReplyDelete

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